how ironic that after so long, the only time i feel the urge to blog is at a time like this.



it's a good thing gun ownership isn't allowed in singapore. i might have done something pretty stupid by now otherwise. poor guy, that south korean..i can almost feel his frustration.

yea, it's easy to point the finger at the individual - there's something inherently wrong with him; HE's the one who needs counselling/treatment; or instead: we should have imposed stricter gun control legislation - it's all our fault for letting him get hold of a gun in the first place.


but did they ever wonder: what EXTERNAL factors may have driven him to such a position in the first place?? an article in newsweek mentioned his troubled childhood, how he was always ostracised by his peers - firstly cause of his south korean descent in an american society; and secondly because of his socio-economic status (his dad worked 12 hrs a day in a drycleaning shop or something to send him to college).

why do i mention this? well, i definitely wouldn't dare say that my own life has been anywhere near as challenging as Cho's..in comparison, mine's certainly a bed of roses. well, certainly then i shouldn't be complaining now, should i? then again, what drove me to such a hateful response that i would ruin what was supposed to be a family gathering - well, it was just the younger of my two siblings, my aunt and i**.

**(dad's driving his cab, and the elder of my two younger sisters felt her boyfriend was more important than a family gathering. nothing new there.)

by the end of the evening...well, not even the end, because yours truly was too obnoxious to even stay for dessert; although considering the circumstances it was probably better for everyone that I left - my aunt was in tears, and for some reason although i felt my heart soften i did not feel remorse for my outburst.

disclaimer: this is not an attempt to neutralize the gulit for what i've done; nothing can undo the damage already done. then again, i do stand by my point even now (somewhat moral crusader-ish, perhaps?). rather, it is merely an attempt to reflect; to take stock of things. something i rarely take the time to do these days, particularly in the heat of the moment, for that matter. while most people may know me as reserved an introverted, the truth is that that is far from my real self; i am very out-spoken and often can, and will make my opinion clearly known when the occasion calls for it - especially when it involves a central tenet of my moral philosophy: that of independence (or, more accurately, reliance-on-self unless absolutely necessary).

okay, so what happened, then, you're probably wondering. i'll cut to the chase: the three of us - my younger sister, my aunt and i were having dinner at a japanese restaurant in novena. it was supposed to be a light-hearted gathering to catch up and enjoy each other's company, made all the more special by the fact that we were having an unusually extravagant meal at a restaurant (we spent more money there than i usually do in a week). my sister, waiting to receive her call from the NUS faculty of law (she's so confident of getting into, although if she did get in i would only be happy for her, honestly), and she was talking about how, having applied for her place in the university, she could now proceed to apply for financial aid, through the Church.


alright. this was pretty much the trigger for things to come. essentially, this remark led to a huge argument, which ended with my aunt defending her right to hold an opinion, and myself effectively placing my reservation in eternal damnation by yelling at her - my aunt, not my sister; that would have been, in my opinion, for her own good - causing her to tear, and the evening ending (for me, anyway) prematurely. but at this time, i feel it important that i explain the situation a little.


the thing is, i've always envied how, being the youngest, my parents had always doted on jeanette the most. she always had the most help; was always given her way - "give way to your younger sister" or "nevermind, she's the youngest. you should give way to your younger siblings" - which, as a result, means that she has tasted the least hardship - or so i feel - among the 3 of us (me and my two sisters). of course, i admit feeling envy that's she's always had things her way, but that's only half of the problem.

my greater issue of concern, is that, having had life so much easier than myself - having been given so much more help along the way; that's she's developed a crutch mentality: reaching out for that helping hand for the tiniest of difficulties when she probably could have done it herself. i cite for instance the period after her A levels, when she was applying for a job. for myself, i had done many jobs in the past - i've worked as a sales assistant-cum-manual labourer ($4 an hr; that was my second job), a car-washer (12hr shifts, paid $30 a day - although i must admit i did that for only 2 weeks, just to experience it), at a call centre earning $5.50 an hr, getting scolded by 'customers' daily - that one was definitely the most stressful, and even an administrative assistant (cum telemarketer cum logistics guy..again. $5 per hour). not counting the army - where i 'earned' $700 a month (but i couldnt start saving any of it until my second year in army, cos i was helping out with the household expenses - PUB, handphone, homephone, groceries etc. not everything la, if not i could not possibly have enough to eat.) plus i supplemented that by 'buying' duties from fellow colleagues (guard duties on weekends were especially dreaded, and so i would 'help' others do their duties for them, at about $40-$60 a day: the going rate is supposedly much higher in most camps, but beggars can't be choosers, right?)

well, my point is not so much in complaining that things are unfair. mostly i chose to do all these things myself, the sacrifices were certainly out of my own decision. yet, when my sister complains that she doesn't want to live 'like me' - eating instant noodles almost every day cos it's cheaper - and so she wants to apply for financial aid from "Catholic welfare", honestly, i tell you, that's bullshit. nevermind that she doesn't want to save money by living a little simpler (okay, people, instant noodles everyday isn't healthy; i try to eat it only once in two or three days now, and even then i'd add other ingredients inside, so it's more 'nutritious'), but to be completely unwilling to take up a tuition fee loan, as i have, with the intention of working to pay it off myself when i start working, i am disappointed, to say the least, that she would not be inspired - or at least feel compelled, to take up a similar responsibility.

surely, there are people out there who couldn't even afford to continue their education beyond secondary school; and im sure there are students out there taking up part time jobs (tuition, once or twice a week) to sustain themselves financially. sure, it can't be enough for the shcoo fees, but at least they don't have to rely on their cab-driving father whose struggling to pay bills for pocket money - transport, food. the basics. i know many of such friends personally, who are working and at the same time able to manage their studies, some even finding the time to be involved in extra activities, church activities etc.


honestly, jeanette, i know i haven't given you the recognition that you deserve for all your achievements; academically, in dance, piano, your contributions in church as a junior cathechist, lector etc. good, no - Great job! and well done. but my only grieviance, the only thing i ask of you - sure, don't see this as doing it for me, please don't, but rather for yourself. use it as a chance to become more independent for yourself - jenna surely has proven it, and im sure you can too. stop relying on daddy, or other people, as much as you can help it. eventually you will have to stand on your own two feet - unless you manage to find a rich husband, but that's probably a long way off. do it for yourself, jeanette not me. when you found that job at starhub paying you $9 an hour (plus 50% extra on weekends, you didn't fail to emphasize), sure i felt jealous. but more than anything, i felt disappointed because i knew that - without tasting a little hardship, you wouldn't grow as a person. sure enough, you spent away your entire $1000+ paycheck in slightly over a week. when you reported this to me, i was hardly surprised. now you're working as a relief teacher, earning a little less? well, it's certainly more tiring i suspect than your starhub job, judging from how you collapse on the bed at night.

still, i hope that for your own sake, you do not continue to take things in life for granted; if not for yourself, than at least spare a thought for those whose resources you're using up. Every dollar that you take is one less dollar to subsidise that person who needs the help so much more than you do - the student working to support her younger siblings, or helping to nurse his ailing mother, or having to look after her handicapped younger brother. sure, these are just examples, but these people do exist, and many of them are not even as fortunate as you are to live in a 4-room flat, having travelled to disneyland and the gold coast before, and to get the chance to pursue a university education.

i hope you do get to read this. i've said it many times, and i know you're sick of hearing it. but please, do it, not for my sake, but for your own.

raneth hopped off at 10:13 pm